Know any good jokes?

[VAMP]

I thought it would be pretty cool and funny to start a joke thread. I'll start it off:

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs F*cking?"

[weezer]

Why was the report card wet?
Because it was under C level. (heard that one today)

[Cabe]

Worst Death

One day St. Peter is sitting as his desk infront of his gates waiting idly (perhaps browsing psp-forum.com, who knows) when all of a sudden his phone rings. He glances at the caller ID and see's that its God. Seeing this St. Peter picked up (if it had been that prick Jesus he wouldn't have answered because Jesus was always showing off, walking on water and the likes) "Hello God" St. Peter answered
"Pete, we got a problem, its a bit crowded up in here lately, I had the Mexicans working to build us an extension but they've all gone and ****ed off. Anyway, to cut a long story short: We're going to send up people in groups of three. You decide who has had the worst death and let them in. The other two? Eh.. Stick them in Limbo or some **** while I chase those **** Mexicans down"
"Righty-oh, you're the boss" with that St. Peter hung up and went back to doing nothing.

Suddenly three people appeared infront of his desk. St. Peter had been masturbating furiously at the time and was, lets say, a little shocked to see them.
"em.. right guys, nevermind that, we've got a problem up in here.. " St. Peter went on to explain the problem to the three men who agreed that it seemed like the best thing to do in the situation.
"Ok, so I’ll take you aside one by one and you can tell me you're story" with that St. Peter took the first man aside.
"Ok, hit me" St. Peter stated

"Well... " said the first man, "I'm a business man and so, have to go on trips which generally last a few days. When I was away I suspected my wife of cheating on me so one trip I came back a day earlier than I told her I would be back. Anyway, I took the elevator to the 9th floor of our apartment block then took the stairs the last two floors to our apartment so she wouldn't hear the elevator coming. I snuck in and searched EVERYWHERE, I found my wife in the shower but I couldn't find anyone else. I must have been wrong about the whole situation. Thank God for that! To celebrate I took a beer and went out onto the balcony. I was standing there admiring the view when all of a sudden I saw these two hands hanging off the edge of my balcony! I was right! She was cheating! I ran inside and got my hammer, came back out and started hammering away at the guys hands until he fell all 11 floors down. I watched as he landed in a bush and was still moving! That ****er was alive! I went inside and dragged the refrigerator over to the balcony and pushed it off the edge. Bulls-eye! After that, what I had just done sunk in and I felt so bad that I got my gun and offed myself there and then."
St. Peter let out a slow breath and said "well... thats.. um... 'eventful'... I've got to hear the others now.. "

St Peter sent the man away and called over the second man, "you're turn my man"

"Well... " said the second man, "I'm an electrician and was called out to a job in some apartment block, 13th floor I think, to fix the wiring on the balcony lights which had fried. Anyway I was using my ladder to reach some of the high lights by the edge when I overbalanced and fell over the railing! I thought I was going to die but somehow I managed to grab onto a balcony about 2 floors below me. I hung there for a minute or two trying to gather the strength to pull myself up when all of a sudden some maniac with a hammer started bashing away at my fingers! I couldn't hold on any longer and I fell. Thankfully I landed in some kind of bush which softened my landing, it still hurt like a mother-****er but I was alive! I was slowly trying to crawl out of the bush when I looked up just in time to see a big-ass refrigerator come hurtling down towards me. Next thing I know, I'm here"
St. Peter stared at the man, "a refrigerator you say... Interesting... anyway, I've gotta see this last guy"

St. Peter sent the second man away and called over the third man. "You know the drill"

"Well... " said the third man, "Picture this: You're having an affair. The womans husband comes home. So you hide in the refrigerator"

[odhranus]

LOL @ CABE :lol:

[Pagnell]

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You worship them.

****STAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for
Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for
submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs, and Japan for
equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will
be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month
and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone
reporting the actual numbers.

IRANIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You don't know economy.
You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other one
as the president.

[Pagnell]

Two dogs sitting in a vets waiting room. They look at each other and start talking.

"What you here for?"

"Well, I'm here to be put down because I mauled one of my masters children. A madness overtook me because the little **** was pulling my tail."

"Thats terrible."

"I know. Sigh. What are you here for?"

"I just couldn't help myself. My nice blonde female owner had just gotten out of the shower and she was towelling herself dry when she bent over to dry her legs. It was just to much to resist if you know what I mean."

"Jeez, that is terrible, how could you do that? So, I imagine you're getting put down too?"

"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

[Pagnell]

A kid walks into his class two hours late.

"I'm sorry I'm late miss but my dad got burnt."

"Oh, no!" His teacher replies "I hope it wasn't too serious?"

"Well, they don't **** about at those crematoriums."

[Pagnell]

And finally.....

Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other.

"You know, I really don’t know what to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and starts shouting at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and shakes his head.

"Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach mate. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, strip naked, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, “WHO’S HORNY!?”……she's asleep every time.”

[Cabe]

Good ones Pagy, That first ones an oldy but a goody

VooDoo Dildo

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo ****.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo ****?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo ****, the door." The voodoo **** rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo ****, get back in your box!" The voodoo **** stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo ****, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo ****. She got it out, and said "Voodoo ****, my pussy!" The voodoo **** shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo **** was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo ****, my ass!"

[pspwad]

Originally Posted by Cabe

Good ones Pagy, That first ones an oldy but a goody

whats with the 'y's at the ends of the words? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: