The Joke Thread

[ExaSpidey]

That's a good one!

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks!

[DrunkAuron]

Somebody just got taught to be a Soupeye. That person's name is SOUP. He has a shuttle that it's name is Soup Wing. The Master of the Dark Side made Soup's father into a person on the Dark Side with a dark suit. His name used to be Anika Soup Walker. His name now is Soup Vader. He goes on the Star Soup and the Soup Star. His planet's name is Soup Drink. His weapon is the Tomato Soup Can.

Soup Vader and Soup SoupWalker (SOUP) fight together with their tomato soup weapons.Tomato Vader is not machineable. He is tomato soupable because he has soup in him. His Master instead of making him electrical on the Dark Side made him soupable on the Dark side.

At The Return of the Soupeye, Soup Vader gets his eye poked and he turns to the Good Side yet the Master shocks Soup Walker and Soup Vader gets a shock by picking up his Master. He puts his Master in the engine and gets a shocked. Soup Vader dies but Soup SoupWalker burns his suit and there are ghosts. One of the ghosts is Anika SoupWalker. The other is Master Soup. He is Soup SoupWalkers Master. His Tomato Soup Can Weapon teacher is Ben Soup.

The End
8) yeah i dont know why either

[Blackfoot]

A couple from Johannesburg decided to go to Durban to escape a particularly cold winter and commemorate their 20th wedding anniversay. Due to a busy schedule the wife was unable to travel at the same time as her husband and she arranged to follow the next day.

On arriving in Durban the husband found a computer in his hotel room so he decided to send his wife an email. Unfortunately he made an error in the email address............

Meanwhile somewhere in Cape Town a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral, he was a minister of many years and had just been "called home" following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email for messages of condolence, but after reading the first message fainted and fell on the floor.

On rushing into the room her son found his mother on the floor and looked at the computer screen - the email message read:-

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived

Date: 1st May 2005

>I know you are surprised to hear from me.
>They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
>I've just arrived and have been checked in.
>I see that everything has been arranged for your arrival tomorrow.
>Looking forward to seeing you then.
>Hope that your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

[Bee]

Nice jokes, I like pagnell's about the dogs, ha ha :lol: I was cracking my ass of, this thread should be stickied, so everyone can read the jokes

[Pagnell]

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You worship them.

****STAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for
Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for
submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs, and Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will
be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month
and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone
reporting the actual numbers.

IRANIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You don't know economy.
You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other one
as the president.

[Pagnell]

An hillbilly girl walks into the family caravan and tells her father she is pregnant. He is livid.

"You dirty whore! So come on then, who is the father?"

"Oh be serious! If you eat a tin of beans and fart you don't know which bean it was do you."

[Mooneb]

Girls Version
>
>
>Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
>slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and
>Jewellery applications, that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
>
>In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
>as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable
>programs such as AFL 5.0 and NRL 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no
>longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
>
>I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!
>
>What can I do?!
>
>Desperate
>
>
>Answer from Technical:
>
>Dear Desperate:
>
>First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
>Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I
>THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
>
>If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
>applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember overuse can
>cause husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
>Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly WAV files.
>Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
>Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
>Husband 1.0.
>
>In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
>memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
>buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
>personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
>
>Good Luck,
>
>Tech Support
>
>
>************************************************* **************
>
>The Guy's Version
>
>Dear (IT) Technical Support:
>
>I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0
>to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
>processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This
>wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
>
>In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
>launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
>Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5 and Golf 5.3 no longer run and
>crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday
>Rugby
>6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.
>
>I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
>run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to
>Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
>
>Can you please help?
>
>Joe
>
>
>Answer From Technical Support
>
>
>Dear Joe,
>
>This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
>
>Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0
>is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
>SYSTEM
>- designed by its creator to run everything.
>
>You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
>Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is
>impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
>system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0
>or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual
>under alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).
>
>Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and
>deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or
>problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
>C:\I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key.
>
>It may be necessary to run: C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but
>hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife
>1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding.
>
>To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as
>Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install
>Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application
>for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
>
>Regards,
>
>Technical Support

[Blackfoot]

Greatness. I enjoyed that read.

[Blackfoot]

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale.
Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...'
'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.'
'He did? But I...'
'Come right in! No use wasting time .'
'Very well, then.' The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.'
'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.'
'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.'
'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture.
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.'
He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs.
'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed.
'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?'
'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

[Mooneb]

I thought you'd enjoy that one - I thought it very apt in our PSP world of upgrades and downgrades.