Finnaly a new frivolous story

Up until a couple of days ago, I thought a spitting cobra was just a clever euphemism I made up for my *****. Well, it turns out that not only is a spitting cobra a hilariously original name for my ****, but it’s also a real life animal. I found this out when I was channel surfing looking for something to watch that wasn’t about talentless idiots eating bugs for cash prizes while Donald Trump shouted at them and then redecorated their houses. Something starring Dolph Lundgren and Brian “The Boz” Bosworth. Like maybe they are Green Berets from the future and they fly around the galaxy fighting evil space pirates and there would be lots of naked chicks and laser gun fights and it would be called Daring Dirk Whipcrack and His Adventures on Planet X: The Terror Zone. Well, I couldn’t find that show anywhere, but I did happen upon this other show about spitting cobras on what I guess was the Holy ****ing ****, We’re All Going To Die Channel.

And my life has been nothing but sleepless, pants-****ting horror ever since. It was literally the scariest damn show I have ever seen because the producers went out of their way to convince me that not only was I definitely going to be killed by a spitting cobra, but most likely within the next twenty minutes. I spent the rest of the night hiding under the covers, convinced that every time the air conditioner kicked on it was actually the sound of a spitting cobra coming to get me.

First, let me give you a little background information on cobras in general. Not only are they lightening fast, able to squeeze into small spaces, really good at hiding and being quiet, but their bite contains enough venom to kill four water buffalos, a wookie, and Mike Tyson. If a cobra were to bite just a regular person like you or me, we would die so fast we would ****ing explode and our existence would be forever erased.

You read that correctly.

Cobra venom is so powerfully deadly that not only does it kill you, it can actually manipulate the space-time continuum to make it so you were never born in the first place.

Pretty scary ****, huh?

Well, to balance out these terrifying powers, evolution made the cobra relatively easy to avoid and get away from. For instance if you walk out of your house and there’s a cobra in your driveway, you just go back in the house. If a cobra starts chasing you, just climb a tree or push a small child in front of you (I keep at least one small child on my person at all times for just such an occasion). Also, if you have a gun or a really long, pointy stick, you can safely fight a cobra, as long as you don’t get too close. A cobra’s weak point is that it has to be close to you before it can horribly, horribly kill you.

Well, guess what?

It turns out the cobra was a little ****ed about having to wait for you to approach it before it could unleash its super killing powers on your ass.

It decided it needed an upgrade.

Cobra: How about the ability to teleport?
Evolution: No.
Cobra: Okay, how about I shoot lasers out of my eyes?
Evolution: No.
Cobra: Phase through solid matter?
Evolution: No.
Cobra: Hmm…okay, you know that venom you gave me that allows me to kill pretty much anything four times over? How about instead of having to bite people to use it, I just launch a deadly accurate thirty-foot stream of that **** right into their eyes?
Evolution: Sounds like a plan. (turns cobra into spitting cobra)
Spitting Cobra: Take that, ****er! (launches deadly accurate stream of venom directly into Evolution’s eyes)
Evolution: MY EYES!!! AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!…*gurgle* (dies horribly)

So, thanks to you, ****-ass evolution, it’s now that much easier for the deadliest creature on the planet to kill me. To put this in perspective, let’s take a look at the scenario described above when all you had to deal with was a regular, non-spitting cobra.

You come out of your house and there is a cobra in your driveway. Following established guidelines for dealing with a cobra in your driveway, you turn to go back into your house. But what you don’t know is that this is a new, improved super cobra. As you turn to retreat, it launches a stream of venom directly into your eyes and you fall to the ground blind and in unbelievable pain. Your eyeballs being the most absorbent part of your body and right next to your brain, the venom quickly begins to shut down your central nervous system. You lay there blind, twitching and foaming at the mouth. In the final tragic and excruciating moments of your life, a last coherent thought enters your mind: That ****ing cobra barely had to move in order to do this to me! Sure enough, as hordes of squirrels descend upon your corpse to pick it clean, the cobra in your driveway is smugly lying there, having hardly noticed your agonizing death throes.

You see, the spitting cobra didn’t kill you because it wanted to eat you or it was afraid of you like a normal animal. It killed you because it hates you and all of humanity. Completely and utterly ****ing hates you.

And climbing trees or having a gun won’t help either, because as previously mentioned, the spitting cobra is deadly accurate when launching its stream of venom. It doesn’t matter if you are a legless midget or wearing stilts while riding a giraffe, it will always know where your eyes are and hit you directly in them. Somehow defying all practical thought, a creature with the cognitive capacity of a socket wrench seems to know the exact location of your eyes at any given moment.

I don’t know about you, but I find this thought rather unsettling.

Imagine trying to take aim with a gun or scramble up a tree while in the grips of the panic of knowing that a creature that hates you and has preternatural knowledge of the location of your eyes is about to launch a stream of lethal venom directly into them.

Once you are in the vicinity of spitting cobra only the divine intervention of Jesus Christ can save you from painful blindness and the brutal death to follow. And I wouldn’t count on that since the very existence of a creature that already violently hates you and also has the ability to kill you instantly from thirty feet away pretty much proves that Jesus Christ, or any other kind of benevolent force in the universe, does not exist.

Or was already killed by a spitting cobra.

As a matter of fact, I would imagine that if the Devil chose a form in which to come to Earth and torment and terrorize mankind, a spitting cobra would launch venom into its eyes and kill it.

That is exactly how badass the spitting cobra is, and exactly how totally screwed we are as a species. So enjoy it while it lasts mankind, because this ride at the top is about over.

The spitting cobras are coming to kill us all.

Up next in evolution’s grand scheme to kill the **** out of everything:
Bulletproof spiders
Badgers that know karate
Exploding tigers
Invisible flying sharks
Zombie Hitler

monkey poo is orange. :shock:

XD XD XD that stuff kills me everytime, I lyked this one the most!

[Pagnell]

Hmmmmm.....strange.

[DrunkAuron]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
yes I love it :P

[weezer]

:| wow..... how long did it take you to dig this topic up.....