[Blackfoot]

By Gordon Keith

Life is unfair. Our vice president blows an old man's head into the thicket and he doesn't even get a certificate from the right-to-die movement? This smacks of partisan politics.

I am sickened by the amount of jokery and sport that is being made of this highly acceptable incident.

A fictitious friend who lives near the real ranch where Cheney was hunting sent me a copy of the rider that was distributed by the V.P.'s office to the hunting team. Based on this evidence, and under fear of persecution, I think it's safe to conclude that this shooting was wholly justified and fully authorized under the Patriot Act.


-=Rules of Hunting with **** Cheney=-

•**** Cheney must shoot ALL quail.

•**** Cheney will be carried from the car and his hands placed on a shotgun. Please do not stare at the transfer.

•Maintain safe distance as tethered birds are thrown into **** Cheney's line of fire.

•Hunters must leave a nuclear family member with **** Cheney's security detail for deposit.

•Do not wear inappropriate or logo-ed clothing around **** Cheney. Nothing "ethnic."

•Do not speak to **** Cheney unless spoken to. NO SPANISH.

•Do not commit prolonged eye contact with **** Cheney. This is interpreted as aggressive behavior.

•Do not touch **** Cheney. Accidental contact is considered sexual.

•Do not approach **** Cheney while he is feeding, especially from the rear.

•Do not disturb the scat of **** Cheney or track him in any way.

•If shot by **** Cheney, it is best to "play dead."

•In the event of a hunting accident, anyone of Arabic descent will be blamed first. If there is no one of that heritage, the order will go Korean, Hispanic, Mongolian, Eskimo, Crohn's disease, white.

Reminder: The Patriot Act gives **** Cheney the legal authority to shoot you in the face. Our logic dictates that if you're innocent, you shouldn't mind a shotgun blast to the chest.

**** Cheney thanks you for this opportunity to mutually enjoy blood sport.